The Importantance of Boundaries As A Single Mother and Sex Worker

Being in the sex industry started for me at the age of 20. I was raised in one of the most dangerous cities, Camden, New Jersey. I was a single mother of 2 daughters at the time whose fathers were both absent, one was incarcerated and the other was absent by default. I was raised with family violence and my children and I were kicked out of my mother's house and sent to a women's shelter. At the time I wasn't bothered much emotionally by it, although I had two other grown sisters with children like myself, I was grown and at 20 being on my own was a part of adulting.

Listen to Ruthless's Story Audio Here!

The Board of Social Services had promised that if I found an apartment that they would pay my rent. I found my first apartment and the landlord immediately allowed me to move in. Everything was good, I was happy and proud of myself. It felt as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. 

But as fast as that feeling came, it was as quickly as it left. The board of social services had an issue with the amount of my rent for a 2 bedroom, $900 in 2008 was a lot but that was all I could find at the time the only person who was willing to take me and my children in. My case worker wanted me to abandon the apartment and go back to the shelter or they were unwilling to help. My thoughts were that she had lost her entire mind if she thought I was dragging my children back to that shelter. I had walked 10 miles in 8inch heels with two preschoolers. I had no ride back to the shelter and she wasn't offering us one. 

So I decided to stay in the apartment and figure things out on my own. I had gotten a 9 to 5 vanilla job, but when I kicked a close friend out for stealing money from my daughter, they decided their revenge would be to go to my job and get me fired. 

Shortly after I met a guy who introduced me to the sex trade and I soon became an exotic dancer. 

For 18 years I worked in the sex trade and had established a lifestyle for myself that I wasn't always proud of being a mother but it helped keep food in me and my family's stomachs. It was a dangerous lifestyle and I did my best to protect my children from the men I encountered over the years. 

Three years ago at 35 years of age I was sexually assaulted and gave birth to a daughter a year later. At the time I was already in two abusive relationships with someone from my past and a new love interest. I fled to protect my unborn child from any harm. I ended up at my mothers house who was a licensed nurse. I felt like that was the safest place to be with my unborn child because she was my mother and her profession as a nurse, but I was sadly mistaken.

I tried to leave and was told by my mother not to, for the protection of me and my unborn daughter and I trusted at the time that was her reason for wanting me to stay. I soon found out that she had a hidden agenda and what she really wanted was my child to feed to her lovers. It was living with my own mother that I realized instead of taking my daughter somewhere safer I had brought her into a house of horrors. To me that was way more dangerous than any abuse I had ever encountered.

Immediately after arriving I was attacked while I was pregnant with a brick from behind by my sister, I was wrongfully charged with assault, and I was threatened with intimidation by my other two sisters, my mothers door was kicked in. My own mother was working with a friend from work to try and take my daughter from me right after I gave birth to her. I was attacked by my mothers boss at her job. She had physically assaulted me while holding my three month old daughter and ran into her office and locked the door.

My daughters were followed home by men, my daughters were preyed on at the park and followed to every part of the park. Strange men opening the front door coming into the house with me and my girls, I caught the neighbor trying to enter the home while me and my girls were there alone, men opening the window while my daughters were getting dressed, I even caught a man that I told to stay away from my daughter camping out in the car outside of the window.

I was isolated, my wallet with all my identification was stolen as soon as I arrived so that I couldn't leave. I had to ask permission to go places and I had to be dropped off or taken although I had a valid license. My mom's living conditions in the apartment had gotten so nasty that I could no longer bathe my daughter in the bathroom. The only place to bathe her was the living room floor in her portable bath tub.

As soon as I began this process my mom moved the first boyfriend in. I would catch him staring at me. Every time I went to get dressed he would pop out of nowhere.

Then I started noticing how discreet I had to be just to bathe my daughter. After catching too many red flags, my oldest and I decided that we will bathe my daughter in the back room on the carpeted floor and I decided to let my mother know. She never gave me a response but soon after he left, two weeks later another boyfriend moved in.

This one I know from the talk around town that he's known to prey on young women. I am a strong believer that energy doesn't lie. My mother has been dealing with him since my younger sisters were little girls and I have NEVER trusted him. My young uncle started coming over as well hanging with the boyfriend. This also raised concerns for me because I was molested as a child by my mothers brothers while I slept, so seeing them didn't sit well with me.

I started observing that my uncle and the boyfriend would always be around drinking when I bathed my daughter. While I tried bathing her my uncle all of a sudden would need to charge his phone in the room and every five minutes needed something from his phone all while I am trying to bathe my daughter. There was a hole in the door of the room where the door knob was missing and that is when I noticed her boyfriend trying to watch my daughter through the hole in the door.

I immediately called for help trying to get us out of the apartment and somewhere safe, after being denied every time in the past. I had even called Dyfs for help. They came to the house and saw the conditions but chose to listen to my mother instead of me and my children. They even went so far as to threaten that if I left my mothers home with nowhere to go my daughter would be taken from me instead of them helping us.

It took my daughter actually having to be peeped on for someone to finally step in and help us escape. The day I was on the phone with 611 letting them know what I had just witnessed I overheard my mother's boyfriend telling her that this was what I had signed up for and she was agreeing. That is the last time my mother has seen my baby girl. I am thankful but I learned that boundaries weren't just needed when it came to what I did for a living, my strongest boundaries are against my own bloodline.

I have learned to do candle magic for return to senders, protection and cord cutting. The best thing that I've done for myself during these three years is cutting the cord between my mother and I.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that cutting my entire family off hasn't been a hard reality to accept, but to me safe boundaries are better than fake love anytime.

The most important thing that I've gained out of this experience is my bond with my daughters, an understanding and the importance of strong family bonds. It has given me the ability to teach my daughters the importance of strong boundaries to protect my future grandchildren. It has opened my eyes to the darkness and how to protect our foundation.

It has also given me and my family the opportunity to build a new family whose main goal and mission is to protect me and my children from people like my past. Setting safe boundaries has placed me into alignment with my highest timeline and opened me to opportunities that I possibly would've never seen had I not let go.

It has given me the respect of my daughters, they honor me and appreciate me without judgment. Most importantly we are all safe.

If I could look back at myself at the age of 20 I would tell her you did the best with what you were given, you are not a failure, you are a warrior, you are not a piece of object, you are a Goddess who has gifts that are needed in this world.

The one thing I want other single mothers in the sex trade to know is that you aren't wrong, you aren't less than any other mother whether married or single, you are doing your best to break generational curses and heal your bloodline and you ROCK! 

Even at rock bottom: YOU ROCK! 

Even during the storms: YOU ROCK!

Even without family support: YOU ROCK! 

You are a co-creator of the universe and YOU ROCK simply by breathing.

Want to support Ruthless and her advocacy directly? Ruthless has over a dozen books published on Amazon dot com under the pen name Saja Jay. You can also give directly to her cash app at  YaRoyalHighness888@icloud.com. Want to have a reading from Ruthless and her very own Oracle Cards? Reach out to her directly on tiktok at MamaSoGutta or by email at yaroyalhighness888@icloud.com.