Friday the 13th, Prank Calls, and Trafficking Conspiracies We Wish We Made Up

Listen to the Audio Version HERE!

There’s something about Friday the 13th that makes people lose their ever-loving minds. Maybe it’s the full moon vibes. Maybe it’s too much true crime TV. Maybe it’s just the collective unraveling of common sense. Either way, if you run a sex worker support hotline like we do, you know it’s gonna be a wild ride.

While most of our calls come from incarcerated folks, survivors trying to stay afloat, or advocates seeking support, Friday the 13th seems to flip the cosmic switch labeled “Call With Bullshit.” And nothing fuels that more than conspiracy theories.

Let’s talk about the time the internet decided that Wayfair—yes, the same Wayfair that sells $39 assemble-it-yourself nightstands—was trafficking children in storage cabinets. People flooded hotlines, including ours, with breathless warnings:

“I saw a cabinet listed for $12,999 and it was named Samantha. THAT’S NOT A COINCIDENCE.”(Actually, it was a data entry error and a boring one at that.)

But wait—there’s more.

🍕 Pizzagate

Because apparently ordering pepperoni in D.C. is code for trafficking children through the basement of a pizza shop that… didn’t even have a basement.One man showed up armed with a rifle. Another called our hotline demanding we confirm that “Hillary Clinton was behind it all.”

We told him our hotline was for survivors of incarceration and trafficking.He told us we were part of the cover-up.We told him to eat a salad and log off Reddit.

And then there was the caller who insisted—repeatedly—that we use some of that liberal Soros money to “expose the truth” and file a class action lawsuit against… we’re still not totally sure who.We had to break it to him gently: if George Soros is secretly funding the sex worker rights movement, we must’ve been left off the group email.We’re still waiting on that check, George. Anytime now.

🏈 Super Bowl Trafficking Panic: The Yearly Fear Fest

Every. Single. Year.Without fail, the Super Bowl rolls around and suddenly it’s not just a sports event—it’s the supposed epicenter of human trafficking on the planet. Reporters scramble for sensational headlines. Anti-trafficking nonprofits crank up their donation emails. And the calls come flooding into hotlines like ours from people convinced that every woman within a 10-mile radius of the stadium is either a trafficker or a victim.

Let’s rewind to the Miami Super Bowl. SWOP Behind Bars was on the ground organizing a Sex Worker Bail Out—because when carceral "rescue" rolls into town, it’s not rich clients getting cuffed, it’s sex workers, especially Black and Brown women, trans folks, and people just trying to survive.

When a journalist asked the County Attorney whether they were arresting consensual adult sex workers, their response?

“No, no—we’re just looking for missing kids.”

Oh. Okay. So were the Super Bowl and a national missing kid convention accidentally booked at the same time and nobody told us?

Because from where we were sitting—in jail visiting rooms, answering the hotline, paying bail, and handing out hygiene kits—it didn’t look like Operation Find the Children. It looked like Operation Scare the Hell Out of the Public to Justify Raids and Boost PR.

And yet, the myth lives on:

“I saw a group of girls taking selfies in Miami wearing the same outfits. Do you think they’re being trafficked?”No, Karen. They’re on a bachelorette weekend and their shirts say Bride Squad, not Help Me.

So yes—Friday the 13th brings out the weird. But let’s be honest: our hotline gets a little wild any time the moon is full or Mercury is doing cartwheels in retrograde. Twice a year, like clockwork, it’s Mercury Rising and suddenly our voicemail sounds like a deleted scene from The X-Files. People call in asking if we can perform exorcisms, track their missing cousin who joined an MLM, or confirm whether Beyoncé is secretly running an underground rescue operation through coded Instagram captions.

We’ve learned to take it all in stride—with a deep breath, a sense of humor, and a heavy dose of reality.

But here’s what never changes: behind all the noise, our hotline is still a lifeline for incarcerated sex workers, criminalized survivors, and people navigating a world that treats their existence like a conspiracy. We're here for them—not for furniture truthers, basement sleuths, or your cousin with the tin foil WiFi hat.

Why This Matters: We joke because we have to, but here’s the real tea: Every prank, conspiracy, or misguided call gums up the line for real people who are trying to survive—who need housing, legal help, trauma-informed support, or just someone to listen who won’t treat them like a criminal for trying to live.

Sex trafficking is real. But it doesn’t look like a viral meme. It looks like survival. It looks like criminalization. It looks like a woman sitting in a jail cell for the crime of being exploited. And when your response is to call a hotline about haunted ottomans or pizza shop cabals, you’re not helping. You're making it worse.

So if you're having a weird Friday the 13th, just remember: we’ve seen weirder. And if you really want to make a difference, skip the fake furniture fears and support survivor-led orgs doing the real work.

📞 1-877-776-2004 — Call us if you’re in crisis.📴 Keep your Wayfair theories to yourself.🌕 And maybe light a candle. It’s a full moon again.

#SWOPBehindBars #HotlineChronicles #FullMoonFreakouts #MercuryIsBackAndSoAreTheCalls #SupportSexWorkers #TraffickingIsRealSoAreWe #ConspiraciesAreNotMutualAid